Yada Yada Yada
The theme of this years leadership team retreat was “Yada, Yada, Yada.” Now, before you cast judgement on me – no, I did not tune out during the sessions at the retreat, yes there WAS a lot of talking, and yes, it was indeed “yada, yada, yada.” You see, in the Hebrew, the word “Yada” means “to know.” Now, typically we read that word and the first connotation we make is that of marital union – sex. Now, calm down. Rest assured, we did not spend the whole weekend talking about sex. The word “yada” actually has a much deeper meaning – it describes what it looks like to intimately connect with another person in every way two people can connect. This weekend, the 12 couples of the leadership team spent time working on our marriages – seeking new and better strategies for deeply knowing and loving one another in the ways we communicate and resolve conflict.
Here are three takeaways from our sessions led by Jeff and Kathy Shenk this past weekend. My hope is that you’ll find them helpful and applicable as Emily and I have. Even if you’re not married, I believe these principles apply as well to familial relationships, friendships, etc.
Beware the Barriers
Marital conflict, or relational conflict, most often comes from getting stuck in our own experiences and perspectives. This is a barrier to understanding the other person. When conflict arises, being stuck in our own perspectives makes the conflict about me rather than about us. Being stuck in this way of thinking easily leads to one of four things (the four horsemen of the apocalypse, according to John Gottman’s research): Contempt, Criticism, Stonewalling, and Defensiveness. All of these things tear relationships apart rather than building them. The antidote? Seeking understanding of the other persons perspective, and taking personal responsibility for your own parts of the conflict. Even if it’s only 5% of the problem, own 100% of that 5%.
Peter sums it up well when he says “…husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life…” (1 Peter 3:7)
Not All Conflict Has Resolution
One of the staggering statistics that Jeff and Kathy informed us of is that 69% of relational conflict is unresolvable. What?! When we believe that conflict in a relationship needs to be resolved, it leads to unattainable expectations within the relationship. Instead – relational conflict is an opportunity to grow in a deeper understanding with the other person. (Don’t roll your eyes at that word – opportunity). Truly, conflict, when rightly seen, gives space for two people to team up and fight together against a problem. When we choose not to see conflict as me–centric, we start to see it as a moment to find out what the other person is fighting for so that we can fight with them. Unresolvable problems will be perpetual, but they don’t have to be detrimental – they can be managed and used for wellsprings of deeper connection.
As Paul says in Romans 14:19, when talking about keeping from judgement on one another, “So then let us pursue what makes for peace and for mutual upbuilding.”
Continual Pursuit
One of the overarching principles of building a healthy marriage, and healthy relationships, is continuing to meaningfully pursue the other person. God has made us each uniquely in his image – with different giftings, ideas, measures of creativity, and needs. When we stop being curious about the ways that God has made our partners, or our friends, or our family, we miss out on myriads of opportunities to pursue deeper relationship. We see in and throughout the Scriptures that God pursues His people – going to the greatest levels of pursuit in descending from His throne of glory to rescue a lost, broken, and even unfaithful people. Following God’s example, His people ought to work hard at pursuing their significant others because it expresses the same kind of love for one another as God has for us.
As John says, “Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God” (1 John 4:7).
There was a lot of yada, yada, yada this weekend. Not because it’s good to have a “refresher” on what our marriages should look like, but because all of us on the LT Team have our own marital struggles. We are all seeking to love our spouse as Christ loves his church (Eph. 5:25), but we do it imperfectly. It is good and right to work on our marriages (and relationships) continually – because it glorifies God, and is a resounding witness to the world of God’s love for humanity.
Thank you for your prayers over the weekend. My hope and prayer for you (along with the EBC Leadership Team) is that you will continue to fight to show God’s love to the world in the ways that you love those around you – especially your spouse.
In Christ’s Mercy,
Pastor Ryan Aufenkamp
Categories: Evergreen Connection